Picture us Together
When the sunset cradles the sky for sleep
Its display is so delicate and beautiful I have an urge to take pictures and feel caressed too
But the colors kissed into the sky are too light to show up on camera
So I enjoy it in real time and in real decay and I don’t think about its inevitable end
I take a deep breath and try to remember it with my own abilities
When I get home there’s a disruption in the physicality and feng shui of the house
My instinct tells me it’s a ghost lingering from the darker parts of my imagination
I swear I can see it in the mirror and I have an urge to take a picture
but I’m afraid its presence is so thin that it won’t show up on camera
So I take a deep breathe make friends with my spirituality and all it entails, and enjoy the rare company
I enjoy it, not focusing on the possibility that it’s imaginary, but on the possibility that it is not
When I leave the house the next day, I get to see one of my favorite people
And in the held eye contact there is romance
And in the jokes resulting from our similar thought processes, there is laughter
And at the pinnacle of my happiness, I have an urge to take a picture of us, of this moment
But I’m afraid that the romance I’m trying to secure in this photograph doesn’t exist in a strong enough reality, to be seen on camera
So I take a deep breath, and don’t focus on the possibility that what I feel as romantic he feels as platonic
I don’t dwell on the inevitable ceasing of our relationship
Instead, I take a deep breath, and try to enjoy the moment now, in real time, with my own abilities
I had a Dream about You
In the night time when I am preparing for sleep, I am most exposed to my true emotions
The water of my lonesomeness can finally reach my nostrils when I lay horizontally
And I drown in the reality that I try to walk above during the day when I stand vertically
You see, I’ve given you my heart and I’m afraid of what you’ll do with it
And when will I get it back?
I had a dream about you
In my dream, we were smiling and you were genuinely happy
And when you hugged me I could feel our youth fusing together
And you kissed me
In real life, I took your ring
And in the night I can still feel it around my finger
I counted the days where you wore mine
And I counted the days when you did not
Am I over thinking the truth?
My heart hurts when I hear the music you play
And my heart hurts when my capacity to love you expands after hearing the music you play
And Godd*mn it when I least expect it, I find the notes of your smell in everything I put on my body
I like staring into your eyes
I like the darkness of your skin, like the depth of the ocean glistening in the moonlight, glistening in the middle of the world
And I want to get lost in the space of your eyes where the ring around them splices my world in half like Saturn’s own
And I’ve given the second half to you
And when you smile I feel happy because you are
Because Godd*mn… your smile!
In the backseat of our friend’s car you taught me the D chord
And we ate overpriced food that I paid for
I couldn’t eat for two days afterward
But I’d do it again because I hate to admit it but I’d do anything for you
And it’s silly but it’s the truth
Godd*mnit I really want to hold your hand
I’ve never kissed anyone before but I want you to be one of many firsts
I don’t want much, just simple things
And when you called me I was so happy because you were finally being open
But I still have so many more questions to ask
You’ve told me what you want, Or rather what you don’t
And I respect that
But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t curious
How do you feel about me? Truly
Will you ever be ready?
And I respect you, but why aren’t you?
And I respect you but are you trying to hide?
And I respect you but, Is it lonely in there?
In the darkness behind closet doors?
Sometimes I can see your true colors
They’re a different shade and hue I think, but I know they’re there
Because I refuse to believe that that smile a few days ago was from a platonic place
Do you know which one?
I wouldn’t have made this up, I believe you do know
Because there’s much more you’re not acting on
Or is this rainbow of color I see when I look at you just my imagination?
Is all this just my imagination?
Am I walking a line to nowhere based on the ideologies of my imagination…?
But Godd*mmit when I try to forget about you I find the notes of your cologne in everything I own
And I know it sounds silly to put so much thought, energy and work into love, because “true love should be fluid and effortless”
But it’s the truth
Green, to not know
When I look at your portrait the rest of the world blurs away, and the green in your eyes is all I see
In the way you look at me, I swear your eyes are trying to give me more than what your words give out in the open
And in the extra time that our glance is held I swear you want to give me more affection in private
Or maybe you’re staring off into space, daydreaming, and my eyes just so happen to be in your path
I can’t tell
And my biggest fear is that you’re giving me nothing and I’m interpreting your dangerous green eyes as something more than what they exist at face value
I don’t know
And it hurts, to not know
In the water, the glass, the glossed floor, I find you and read your expressions
What do you want me to think?
If you dangle on this vine of plantonic-ism and romance, is that a valid place to stand?
Is it acceptable for you to not commit to any opinion about me, and for that to be your commitment?
Is it acceptable for your dangerous eyes, green as grapes to gaze at me inconsistently?
And is that a consistency?
Either way, I’ll keep searching
Because in a crowd of thousands we make eye contact
And that’s not just from my efforts, you find me as well
But in a crowd of thousands, we make eye contact, and you look away
And to be honest it hurts, to not know
Sometimes my confusion rots the grapes of you to bitter raisins
Sometimes my pain sours the grapes into unsweetened wine
And I pour it out when it stinks up my house
And in mourning, I go back to the grass and scrounge up all the loose dew droplets of our relationship, and it hurts,
My empty glass, to not know
My empty heart, it hurts
The low swing and the mood of my chariot, to not know
I wish I could finally grasp and hold onto something romantically solid
If there’s something here at all throw it at me
I can’t keep standing wondering if you have something to give me or not
If something’s there, toss it to me
And I promise I will catch it
Maybe life isn’t that linear
In the grand scene of likeness, maybe love can be separated in two
Platonism as yellow and romanticism as blue
And in the gradient of these colors, is there a shade in the middle?
And if so, is this where you lie?
Is this where your dangerous green eyes are justified?
I don’t know
And it hurts, to not know